girasol

there are some things 

i cannot let go of 

until my finger tips are dyed black

and this paper stained with the words

long hidden inside 

the darkest parts of my mind.

though not forgotten, the words,

they haunt me;

and so i'll write it, 

the poem to the boy who 

broke my heart.

you came to me in late summer

when autumn was just a hint of orange 

on the trees,

the bite in the early morning air just a 

gentle reminder the warmth of 

summer was over.

i fell in love with your soul long 

before you ever stepped in through

those coffeeshop doors.

it takes depth to fall in love with another's

heart without them there physically,

without their hand to hold, 

and though all i had at the time were

your words,

 you had me then, already.

text messages, and for three months all

we were were friends who were more 

than friends, 

and i remember tired eyes

as i let you steal my sleep for

 late night conversations, 

and naively, 

i let you steal my heart from me.

piece by piece you learned more and more

about me, as you so carefully

 fabricated your story.

i was genuine; 

and you took advantage of that.

i fell in love with the way you saw me,

i thought i had found someone who 

truly understood me.

little did i know, you were merely a shell,

a shadow of the person you desired to be,

and with the safety there is in a 

long distance relationship, 

you showed me the type of man

you believed a girl like me deserved,

 all the while not bothering 

to enlighten me that 

it was not who you truthfully were.

then came cold and rainy days, and with

december you and i were finally together.

after one day, i had memorized every 

blue and green tone in your eyes,

and i thought, yes i believed,

they would be there through

twenty, sixty, eighty.

now i wish i hadn't.

but i'll remind myself i'm not weak

for having loved you deeply.

you drew me in with the promise of forever,

and my young heart held onto it 

as if it, in itself were a commitment.

oh, that girl learned all of your promises

were made to be broken.

you used to call me sunflower,

and i thought it was because you loved me 

like you loved the flower, 

but maybe it was because somehow you 

were perceptive enough to know, 

that if i was anything at all,

i was born a fighter, 

my face always turned up, 

desperately searching for the sun.

then came that awful day in september,

and though i didn't have the self worth then

to realize i deserved better, 

because i do believe every person deserves 

to be treated like a genuine human being, 

i know now i'll never let a man treat me in

that way again.

your mask begin to slowly fall away,

and i learned in the worst of ways that you'd

been pretending the whole time to be the person

i was totally in love with.

i felt betrayed.

but i was genuine if i was anything, 

and fighting was in my very dna,

so i believed it was my duty to keep my word

and all my promises i'd made to you,

though you had so carefully broken

every one of yours.

and with all your empty promises, 

went my trust in you and in men.

i hadn't yet learned it was never 

my responsability,

to make you love me.

real men do keep their promises,

and now i believe, someday i will

learn to trust them again.

and so, i was the girl that held onto you,

though you were breaking me, 

and you were the boy who hadn't yet 

learned a thing about 

truly loving.

it was autumn again when you left me

and i had become an entirely different

person then i'd been the year before.

i won't ever forget the pain 

and utter worthlessness.

i was a ghost of a girl.

glassy blue grey eyes looking 

back at me in the reflection 

of the mirror

as i asked, searching

"who even are you now?".

tear stains on my cheeks,

it was late october as i clipped

with scissors the dead ends,

the last traces of the fighter i was 

wore braely this new armor,

hair chopped off at her shoulders,

now a hoarse battle cry as she

proclaimed: 

"I am not yours anymore".

i tried my hardest to summon somehow

inside myself while driving to you

in that old red pickup truck 

some form of anger,

becuase my strength was fading,

a month of your cowardice attempts

to give up on me and i was so 

exhausted from the agony 

of everything you'd done to me.

i knew myself well enough to know

i speak with most certainty and boldness 

when i'm filled with indignation,

when my strong sense of justice is 

a flame of fire in my mouth 

and there is no choice of silence.

my heart broke into a thousand pieces

when all i found inside of me was

aching love and compassion.

i may never know the answers to my 

unanswered questions, 

but this i have found to be true,

it was never my own

love i had for you.

to love from ones own strength never

could and never would withstand all

the pain you put me through.

if i were to write down everything,

all the ways you've hurt me,

it might take a lifetime, and then

what would that say of me?

and where would that leave me?

empty, bitter and exhausted,

given over to the power

you had over me.

no, i will not let the enemy use this 

to take my life from me,

and so instead i've decided to 

write of forgiveness.

see, through this time of sorrow

and suffering, the Spirit has revealed 

to me the promises Yashua has given me.

one of the most important of them is i've

learned that there is power in

forgiveness.

if genuine, it can be stronger than pain,

anger and bitter hatred.

and so, to the boy who broke my heart,

i want you to know, i was never yours.

and what i'm about to say, 

has changed everything:

i belonged to the Messiah,

the one who bought me with His

sacred blood, 

and while you treated me like i was 

worth nothing, He said i was worth

the death penalty.

He with the most selfless display 

of genuine love our hearts will ever 

know, paid the costly price for 

my eternity.

though you took my self worth from me,

Jesus is now healing me.

with every truth He so tenderly 

speaks to me,

He is restoring, all that you had

broken in me.

and though i am not the same girl
i once was,
not the same fighter i was before i
gained these battle scars,
i am now a warrior,
stronger now for i've learned my best
weapon is not my own words fueled 
by anger and a desire for justice,
but instead the words of Jesus,
which are the truth.
i've learned true strength and bravery
is to lay all my burdens at His feet,
and let Him, my Messiah
defend and fight for me.
my heart cannot cease to say,
He is everything.

and so, by His grace, i pray everyday
that Yashua will return you to Him,
that you could know His redemption.
you won't ever know the burden
i've carried for you.
if i were to be honest when people
ask me what my greatest fear is,
i'd reply with:
"the ones i love deeply,
never knowing Him".
and yes, I have loved you deeply.
i'm not ashamed of it.

so, though there are many more
words i could write down to show how
much you've wronged me,
after everything you put me through,
to the one who once called me
sunflower, the words i'll choose,
are:
"i've forgiven you".