fighter part two

this little house so familiar

as she tip toes down

the hall

white walls 

stained with fingerprints of

where she's leaned against the

bones of this empty corridor

skeleton it has been as she's pulled

her scraped knees to her chest

and all the times she's let

herself weep 

with no allowed comforting

closed and broken, holding that pain in,

somehow twisted belief that 

brave and strong mean 

"alone".

old faded books on shelves 

where she sits

and reads a story on the pages 

written by a younger, hopeful girl,

words to a boy that meant so much

more to her than they ever would to him.

sorrow seeps in like cold air 

drifting across the floorboards now 

as she walks through these

empty rooms to sit once again,
with her back
to the front door,

tears fall down in streams,

as she's filled with the weight,

of remembering.

though this house is far too familiar,

there are things only time have

or could reveal to one so set 

on her belief that

she was stronger on her own.

three long breaths as she rises to her feet,

no she's not the girl,

anymore who believes in 

self inflicted suffering.

three fast beats as she reaches for

the handle,

this house no longer is her hiding place:

there is a freedom,

in turning the rusted lock 

on that heavy oak door.

though it took a pain deeper 

than words know to speak,

she's learned that no one else can

choose this for her.

a light so gentle and a voice so tender

as His presence always is,

her Abba whispers 

"there you are".

He's always waiting for her, 

on the other side of that door, those

eyes speak words not yet 

uttered. 

He's a fighter, a fighter I say,

with eyes of fire. 

fighter part one

she's closed.

the windows, the doors, all the vents.

she's concealed herself inside 

the house she built.

no part of her is simple.

she's a tangled, stubborn, complicated 

mess.

and no one wants to untangle her 

more than Him.

and He begins to.

one conversation, one window and

one vent at a time. 

He starts to get a look, a glimpse 

of who she really, really is.

but she's scared, and still unsure

of herself and Him. 

so she closes off again.

is it fear?

or her insecurity?

doubt that what He says is true?

because He is true.

He's true. 

His words, once spoken

leave marks in the deepest parts 

of her; of you.

and yet after knowing this

she still closes off every part of herself.

still broken; she's never open.

He will pursue. His fight for her is 

never ending.

everlasting.

for His love for her runs deeper,

so much deeper than her rejection.

He's a fighter, a fighter I say, 

with eyes of fire.

ancient script

as love letters go,

my heart quickens as I read 

the words written in 

ancient script 

inscribed not merely with ink 

but inspired and pressed, no engraved 

for eternity by the one

 who holds the keys to death and hades,

 but most importantly, our perfect promise; 

Yashua's paradise. 

though long ago my young heart learned 

to distrust those who say they'll protect, 

defend and fight for me, 

through patience only One entirely 

outside of time could have,

 He's revealed to me how faithful and true 

He has been to Israel, and still will continue to be. 

Who have I been, to question His love for me? 

when He spent all of time writing in, my perfect beckoning? 

His Spirit whispers tenderly, 

"love, I will teach you to trust, once again".

like a sapling grafted in, 

my heart is filled with assurance

 as I've come to understand this: I am now His. 

promises given long ago 

to young Zion still stand strong, 

His words of hope my only truth

 to hold onto through the many storms 

I've weathered through, 

like a lighthouse in my darkest, 

most dreadful night, 

He is faithful, 

always waiting on the near shore for me. 

I've heard the sound of many voices

 singing in one harmonious unity, 

our souls longing for Him to find us pure; holy. 

Yahoshua, hear the sound

 of my brothers and sisters longing,

 our hearts cry together, 

Zions voice is growing louder, 

as the day of the Lord approaches quicker,

 the spirit and the bride say, "come"

for my little bird

little bird, I've seen your spirit soar
your voice the soft notes of
pure innocence 

and in your gold brown eyes I've seen a joy 
so rare often times it's been mistaken
for ignorance 
though I know better now:
you have long guarded and protected it, 
knowing it's true weight and value. 
my little bird, you're truly a rare and precious gem, 
don't let this world take from you

 a gift given only by the hands of 

the One who has fashioned your very soul 

and every part of you that makes you who are.

hold onto that
and with His truth,
let your heart be bold,
showing kindness where you only receive hostility, 
and grace where no grace has been given,

 for truly to fulfill His greatest commandments is to seek Him, 

and to put others first, above yourself. 
you are my perfect sunshine on my many grey days, 

the smile that's contagious every time i see your face,

 the one who taught me again how to laugh freely and without restrain, 

you are arms to embrace

and the one of many who make our place

 here on this earth a golden shadow of our true home.

camas worship nights

summer nights 

filled with 

the gentle presence 

of a peace so tender

yet altogether 

overwhelming 

guitar picking 

and a perfect melody 

sung by ones drawn 

fiercely by the One 

true Saviors love 

and endless mercy. 

listening 

to their worship 

for indeed He is worthy 

of all praise,

Jesus I wonder, 

do you see this as a 

Holy offering?

for You alone are Holy, 

set apart from every 

earthly thing. 

what beauty, to listen to 

my brothers and sisters 

worshiping the Creator, 

to see the joy of praising Him

in spirit and in truth, 

how we were always meant to. 

It's the sound of believers singing a 
song of thanksgiving, 

because this truth they have found: 

His love is everything. 

It's the rhythm of the drum 

echoing their heart beat; 

Jesus make us Holy, set apart, as You are. 

new song

it's like,

the lyrics to the song you keep forgetting,

but you hum new ones because,

some songs were only ever sung once,

with people you don't even know now.

and though they are no longer with you,

there's an emptiness where they once were,

a spot in your heart still waiting to be filled.

it's the way

you search every face you pass on the street,

and when you're in certain cities you walk by places

that make it hard to breathe.

 it's the way you feel constantly,

as if there is someone missing.
you keep looking

around, hoping and yet dreading it'll be 

their eyes you'll meet in the face across the room

but then your heart sinks as you remember,

they are no longer there.

some songs are meant to be hummed in the 

dead of night when you fear you're losing 

your mind, when sleep never seems to come,

when the melody keeps playing in your head and

your heart feels like a heavy weight in your chest.

some songs are given new lyrics with the days

that pass by replacing who you were with who who

you are now, and though it's painful 

there is freedom when you realize; 

who you've been is not who you 

have to continue to be.

it's like,

the new song He puts inside of you, 

and the words now aren't of pain and sorrow,

but joyful praise.
it's the melody of pure freedom,

you breathe it in as you learn to surrender with 

each exhale all the lies the enemy has told you,

and He replaces each one 

with His perfect truth.

girasol

there are some things 

i cannot let go of 

until my finger tips are dyed black

and this paper stained with the words

long hidden inside 

the darkest parts of my mind.

though not forgotten, the words,

they haunt me;

and so i'll write it, 

the poem to the boy who 

broke my heart.

you came to me in late summer

when autumn was just a hint of orange 

on the trees,

the bite in the early morning air just a 

gentle reminder the warmth of 

summer was over.

i fell in love with your soul long 

before you ever stepped in through

those coffeeshop doors.

it takes depth to fall in love with another's

heart without them there physically,

without their hand to hold, 

and though all i had at the time were

your words,

 you had me then, already.

text messages, and for three months all

we were were friends who were more 

than friends, 

and i remember tired eyes

as i let you steal my sleep for

 late night conversations, 

and naively, 

i let you steal my heart from me.

piece by piece you learned more and more

about me, as you so carefully

 fabricated your story.

i was genuine; 

and you took advantage of that.

i fell in love with the way you saw me,

i thought i had found someone who 

truly understood me.

little did i know, you were merely a shell,

a shadow of the person you desired to be,

and with the safety there is in a 

long distance relationship, 

you showed me the type of man

you believed a girl like me deserved,

 all the while not bothering 

to enlighten me that 

it was not who you truthfully were.

then came cold and rainy days, and with

december you and i were finally together.

after one day, i had memorized every 

blue and green tone in your eyes,

and i thought, yes i believed,

they would be there through

twenty, sixty, eighty.

now i wish i hadn't.

but i'll remind myself i'm not weak

for having loved you deeply.

you drew me in with the promise of forever,

and my young heart held onto it 

as if it, in itself were a commitment.

oh, that girl learned all of your promises

were made to be broken.

you used to call me sunflower,

and i thought it was because you loved me 

like you loved the flower, 

but maybe it was because somehow you 

were perceptive enough to know, 

that if i was anything at all,

i was born a fighter, 

my face always turned up, 

desperately searching for the sun.

then came that awful day in september,

and though i didn't have the self worth then

to realize i deserved better, 

because i do believe every person deserves 

to be treated like a genuine human being, 

i know now i'll never let a man treat me in

that way again.

your mask begin to slowly fall away,

and i learned in the worst of ways that you'd

been pretending the whole time to be the person

i was totally in love with.

i felt betrayed.

but i was genuine if i was anything, 

and fighting was in my very dna,

so i believed it was my duty to keep my word

and all my promises i'd made to you,

though you had so carefully broken

every one of yours.

and with all your empty promises, 

went my trust in you and in men.

i hadn't yet learned it was never 

my responsability,

to make you love me.

real men do keep their promises,

and now i believe, someday i will

learn to trust them again.

and so, i was the girl that held onto you,

though you were breaking me, 

and you were the boy who hadn't yet 

learned a thing about 

truly loving.

it was autumn again when you left me

and i had become an entirely different

person then i'd been the year before.

i won't ever forget the pain 

and utter worthlessness.

i was a ghost of a girl.

glassy blue grey eyes looking 

back at me in the reflection 

of the mirror

as i asked, searching

"who even are you now?".

tear stains on my cheeks,

it was late october as i clipped

with scissors the dead ends,

the last traces of the fighter i was 

wore braely this new armor,

hair chopped off at her shoulders,

now a hoarse battle cry as she

proclaimed: 

"I am not yours anymore".

i tried my hardest to summon somehow

inside myself while driving to you

in that old red pickup truck 

some form of anger,

becuase my strength was fading,

a month of your cowardice attempts

to give up on me and i was so 

exhausted from the agony 

of everything you'd done to me.

i knew myself well enough to know

i speak with most certainty and boldness 

when i'm filled with indignation,

when my strong sense of justice is 

a flame of fire in my mouth 

and there is no choice of silence.

my heart broke into a thousand pieces

when all i found inside of me was

aching love and compassion.

i may never know the answers to my 

unanswered questions, 

but this i have found to be true,

it was never my own

love i had for you.

to love from ones own strength never

could and never would withstand all

the pain you put me through.

if i were to write down everything,

all the ways you've hurt me,

it might take a lifetime, and then

what would that say of me?

and where would that leave me?

empty, bitter and exhausted,

given over to the power

you had over me.

no, i will not let the enemy use this 

to take my life from me,

and so instead i've decided to 

write of forgiveness.

see, through this time of sorrow

and suffering, the Spirit has revealed 

to me the promises Yashua has given me.

one of the most important of them is i've

learned that there is power in

forgiveness.

if genuine, it can be stronger than pain,

anger and bitter hatred.

and so, to the boy who broke my heart,

i want you to know, i was never yours.

and what i'm about to say, 

has changed everything:

i belonged to the Messiah,

the one who bought me with His

sacred blood, 

and while you treated me like i was 

worth nothing, He said i was worth

the death penalty.

He with the most selfless display 

of genuine love our hearts will ever 

know, paid the costly price for 

my eternity.

though you took my self worth from me,

Jesus is now healing me.

with every truth He so tenderly 

speaks to me,

He is restoring, all that you had

broken in me.

and though i am not the same girl
i once was,
not the same fighter i was before i
gained these battle scars,
i am now a warrior,
stronger now for i've learned my best
weapon is not my own words fueled 
by anger and a desire for justice,
but instead the words of Jesus,
which are the truth.
i've learned true strength and bravery
is to lay all my burdens at His feet,
and let Him, my Messiah
defend and fight for me.
my heart cannot cease to say,
He is everything.

and so, by His grace, i pray everyday
that Yashua will return you to Him,
that you could know His redemption.
you won't ever know the burden
i've carried for you.
if i were to be honest when people
ask me what my greatest fear is,
i'd reply with:
"the ones i love deeply,
never knowing Him".
and yes, I have loved you deeply.
i'm not ashamed of it.

so, though there are many more
words i could write down to show how
much you've wronged me,
after everything you put me through,
to the one who once called me
sunflower, the words i'll choose,
are:
"i've forgiven you".